Big Brother Buys Booze Brother

MOSCOW HARRISBURG (June 30) – If there’s something strange, in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Apparently Dan Aykroyd, if you’re the buck burning booze brokers known as the PLCB.

In yet another puppetry of privatization, the pitiful perestroika pushers have enlisted the help of comedian, ufologist and conspiracy apologist Dan Aykroyd to, “enhance our customers’ experience in the store,” said Gail Chiavetta, of the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board.

Doublespeak translation du jour: Market booze. 

The vodka vending viceroy better known for his roles in blockbuster hits like Ghostbusters and Blues Brothers, is now more accurately known as Pennsylvania’s booze brother, as he is peddling his Crystal Skull Vodka in PLCB stores across the state.

What’s wrong with that, you ask?  Let’s let Dan answer that for himself. Seriously though, Pennsylvania taxpayers are the ones signing the blues after paying a sobering $90,000 per store in advertising last year for the PLCB’s monopoly of mediocrity and manipulation.  Anyone see a problem with advertising for a government-run monopoly? 

It’s long past time for the PLCB and state government to stop acting like coneheads and communists and restore the very basic American right of consumers to make decisions for themselves.

As we head into Independence Day weekend where we will once again be forced to buy our wine and spirits directly from Mother Government or surrender to bootlegging and breathalyzers, it’s good to be reminded of the American way.  Until our libation liberation, stay thirsty my comrades.