Chairman Wow Commends Kiosk Catastrophe

MOSCOW HARRISBURG – From the “They Just Don’t Get It” file comes confirmation from the commissar himself that Orwellian doublespeak is alive and well in Pennsylvania government.

In a letter to the editor, PLCB Chairman P.J. Stapleton chastised Wegmans and the Philadelphia Inquirer today for failing to understand the genius behind Big Brother’s breathalyzer-based booze buys, saying the, “kiosk program is but a small part of the overall business the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board is engaged in,” and the agency should be praised for “innovation at its finest.”

Actually, Chairman Wow, that’s the problem. Wegmans understands economics, free markets and responding to customer needs quite well. Mimicking privatization, manipulation and monopolies?  Not so much. 

So if you are scoring from home, a place you can most definitely not buy booze under Pennsylvania’s Perestroika program, here are your PLCB doublespeak dictionary entries of the week:

Epic fail = “evidence of innovation at its finest”

Monopoly = “creativity”

Humiliating citizens while purchasing legal commodities = “convenience”

But if that weren’t enough, Stapleton offered one final promise, saying, “The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board’s focus on bringing innovation to our customers couldn’t be stronger.”

Translation: The beatings will continue until morale improves!  Maybe the new “innovations” will bring rations and day-long lines for everything from Bordeaux to butter and baby bottles.  Until then, stay thirsty my comrades.