PITTSBURGH—After five years of serving Pittsburgh as their state-of-the-art
sporting facility, PNC Park, the home of the rundown, poorly maintained Pirates,
said Tuesday it is threatening to leave Pittsburgh unless a new team can be
built within the next three years.
“I love the city of Pittsburgh, but the Pirates are an old, dilapidated
club built from other teams’ spare parts, and its very foundation is rotting
away,” the stadium said to reporters assembled in its press box. “I had every
intention to stay here for the duration of my career as a ballpark, but given
that I haven’t seen any realistic long-term plans for improving my resident
team’s ramshackle condition, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about
taking my services elsewhere.”
The young stadium, regarded as one of the best of the recent crop of
real-estate development projects throughout the league, added that “after this
year’s All Star Game, I have learned that a ballpark of my caliber deserves to
host that kind of play every day.”
“The Pirates have become such an eyesore that I’ve even had to resort
to bringing in different teams each week to play in me,” the stadium said.
Now, before we start getting emails, we know this is from The Onion. But more often than not, today’s story in The Onion is tomorrow’s political news….